


A Battle to Lose

by Arcwin



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Behind the Scenes, Canon Compliant, Canon Dialogue, Endgame, F/M, Follows the events of Endgame, Parent Tony Stark, Tony Feels, Tony POV, endgame spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 14:30:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19975639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arcwin/pseuds/Arcwin
Summary: Starts with Tony adrift in space with Nebula, ends with the snap that kills Thanos. Behind the scenes Tony-focused story that looks at his motivation throughout Endgame, and how he has fought to make the world into a safe place for the people he loves.**Lots and lots of Tony feels, both good and bad!**Spoilers for Endgame





	A Battle to Lose

**Author's Note:**

> I recommend Hozier's "Work Song" as a backdrop to this story. It very much inspired it and I think it suits Tony wonderfully.

“This thing on? Hey, Miss Potts,  _ Pep _ . If you find this recording, don’t post it on social media. It’s going to be a real tear-jerker. I don’t know if you’re ever going to see these. I don’t even know if you’re still… Oh,  _ God _ , I hope so. Today is day twenty-one, uh, twenty-two. You know, if it wasn’t for the existential terror of staring into the literal void of space, I’d say, I’m feeling better today. The infection’s run its course, thanks to the blue meanie back there. You’d love her. Very practical. Only a tiny bit sadistic.”

Tony sighs, his chest aching. This isn’t how he wanted things to go. But then again, when do things go the way he expects? Just like that caravan bombing in Afghanistan. He’s always got a plan, and that plan goes to shit nine times out of ten. Maybe even ten times out of ten. He could do the math, but it doesn’t really matter, does it?

His brain speeds ahead, as usual. Okay, so it’s 9.756 times out of ten, technically. For drama’s sake, he’ll just round up. Ten out of ten it is. A perfect score. Exactly what you’d expect out of Tony freakin’ Stark, right?

_ Right _ .

Looking out into the abyss in front of him sends his heart racing, barreling towards panic. The adrenaline floods him, making his ears pound. “Look away, idiot,” he mutters to himself, pulling his eyes off the windshield of their spaceship and back to the Iron Man helmet in front of him. Taking a deep, rattling breath, he reaches forward to restart the recording. 

“Some fuel cells were cracked during battle, but we figured out a way to reverse the ion charge to buy ourselves about forty-eight hours of playtime. But it’s now dead in the water. We’re a thousand lightyears from the nearest 7-Eleven.” He wants to laugh at his terrible joke, and almost does. But he knows that if Pepper ever sees this, she’d shake her head in exasperation at him. He wishes he could see her face when she does.  _ If _ she does. No guarantees anymore. 

“Oxygen will run out tomorrow morning, and that’ll be it. And Pep, I know I said no more surprises, but I got to say I was really hoping to pull off one last one. But it looks like,  _ well _ , you know what it looks like. Don’t feel bad about this. I mean actually if you grovel for a couple weeks, and then move on with enormous guilt…” As he says it, he hopes she doesn’t. Not really. He’d like her to be happy, even if it’s without him. A swell of jealousy surges within him, knowing that someone  _ else _ is going to be a part of that happiness. Tony’s chest throbs, tight and uncomfortable at the thought. He needs to stop doing this. He needs to move on. These are his last moments, after all. No use wasting them on being sad and full of regrets. No use at all.

“I should probably lie down. I’m going to rest my eyes. Please know when I drift off, it’ll be like every night. I’m fine, totally fine. I’ll dream about you, because it’s always you.”

His thoughts spin, chasing each other around the void of his brain until exhaustion overtakes him. The last thing he thinks about is, of course, Pepper. Lovely, enigmatic Pepper, with a smile on her face, standing next to some log cabin by a lake. A little girl, the same little girl he always dreams of, runs out to meet her with a thigh-squeezing hug. He knows he isn’t there, but the two of them seem okay. They seem safe. That’s enough for him. 

* * *

Carol Danvers might just be the best and worst...person? Thing? Tony isn’t sure, yet. All he knows is that she showed up, surrounded with blinding golden light like some kind of angel, and then said she’d fly them home. Well,  _ his _ home. Nebula doesn’t have a home.  _ Probably _ . She isn’t exactly the most forthcoming with information about her life. Actually, she doesn’t seem to have much of a life aside from her quest to kill the purple asshole who did this to them all. He doesn’t blame her. That’s basically the plan from here on out. Kill Thanos, and then…

He shakes his head, letting that thought go. He feels guilty even thinking about it. He knows what Pepper would say, what Rhodey would say. Hell, he can practically  _ hear _ Steve’s disapproving look. 

The whole ride he sits, crippled with fear, paralyzed at the thought of returning to an Earth that is forever changed. An Earth without half its population, an Earth without his Pepper. 

If he returns home and he’s lost both Pepper  _ and _ the kid in the snap…

If he’s failed to keep them safe like he promised he would…

Then what’s the point?

He made the Iron Man suit to help him survive. From the moment he woke up in that cave in Afghanistan, a hole in his chest with cables and wires connecting him to a car battery, his entire purpose in life shifted. Sure, being a billionaire genius was exciting, but after that moment he knew it was time to change. A shift towards safety, towards making the world a better place. 

All to have it disappear in a cloud of smoke after a single finger snap of an oversized raisin with narcissistic personality disorder. He wants to be angry. He wants to feel like seeking revenge, or finding some way of fixing everything. Tony Stark fixes things. He figures out what went wrong and he fixes it.

Not this time. This time he’s going to go home, find out if Pepper survived, and then move on. Alive, or not.

He hates Carol for finding them. Dying alone in space was a hell of a lot easier.

* * *

Tony can’t believe his eyes when he steps off the ship and sees the love of his life running towards him. Pepper’s alive.  _ Alive! _ His knees buckle beneath him, though he can’t tell whether it’s from general weakness and infection, or sheer  _ relief _ at holding her in his arms again. Whatever it is, he collapses on the grass and thanks the God he doesn’t even believe in for one last miracle. One last time to surprise her, to surprise himself. One last time to do things  _ right _ .

Time moves in fits and starts as he recovers. In the beginning, he sleeps. Well, he wouldn’t describe it as sleep, so much as something resembling falling into a  _ coma _ . He loses track of what day it is, what time it is. Sometimes, when he wakes up, he forgets  _ who _ he is or  _ what _ he’s doing. Other times, he’s sure that he’s back in that cave in Afghanistan with wires and cords coming out of his chest. More than once he rips the IV out of his arm and flings it across the room, which only sets off the alarms and sends Pepper into a frustrated tizzy. She’s the only thing that calms him down, breaking through the fog of flashbacks by placing her hands on his cheeks and calling his name. 

“Tony? Tony, it’s me. Tony, it’s Pepper. You’re  _ safe _ , Tony. We’re  _ both _ safe. Come back to me, Tony.”

The day that he is able to stay awake longer than a half hour is the day he tells her it’s time to go.

“Time to...what are you talking about?” she says with a frown. “You only just started feeling better. Where would we even go? We don’t...we don’t have a home, Tony.”

He forces a smile and sits up higher on the hospital bed. “Pep...I had...remember, back when we were in New York, and I said...it was the day when all of this--”

“Started? Yeah, of course I remember that day. How could I forget it?”

“No, remember how we were running, and I was telling you about a dream that I had about you, and me, and...well, and a kid? Remember that? Right before the wizard showed up and...and things went to shit.”

Pepper’s eyes glisten and she nods slowly. “I remember. That was the last time I saw you. I should have grabbed your arm and made you stay with me.”

Tony takes a deep breath, his heart pounding painfully in his chest. He gasps, throat tight, and swallows. “Yeah, I...yeah. I know. That’s why it’s time to go. I can’t do this to you, to me...to _us_ again. So, I _won’t_. We got lucky, Pep. We’re both still here, and...you know, the good guys... _we_ _lost_. So it’s time to move on and make the best of it.”

He reaches for her hand, squeezing it firmly before bringing it up to his lips. She sighs and looks away, resignation on her face. He’s right, and she knows it. It’s time to go.

* * *

It takes about six months for Tony to make it through the day in a generally upright position. Six months after that, and he’s built the cabin by the lake from his dreams. The two of them live in a small teardrop camper while he's working on it, one that's just big enough to be comfortable but not quite big enough to not get on each other's nerves on a daily basis. Every time Pepper sighs and walks away to the edge of the lake, shaking her head, Tony flies down to follow her, dropping tools on the way. 

“Hey,” he says as his Iron Man nanobots retreat into the charging stations on his wrists. “Pep, I'm doing what I can. I'm trying, the only way I know how.” He isn’t sure what he’s doing wrong. All he knows is that they’re here, together, and nothing is ever going to change what happened. No matter how hard he tries to fake it.

She stares at the lake, shaking her head. “I know.” A tear streams down her cheek, sliding softly against her freckled skin. The lake ripples with a slight breeze, the water undulating at the shore with the tiniest of splashes. It’s nearly noon, and the sun is high in the sky above them. Thankfully, the heat is filtered by the trees, but it's still bright enough to make them both squint. After a few thick moments of silence filled with the chirping of the birds and the water at their feet, Pepper takes a deep breath. “Tony,” she says quietly, turning to face him with red eyes. “You know that dream?”

Of course he knows the  _ dream _ . He’s had it since the night before history changed, and he has it still on the regular. Usually when he thinks about it, he feels like he’s grieving something he never had. He feels empty in a way that doesn’t make sense. The ache in his heart is too much to bear, so he drowns it in working. It used to be booze, but Pepper threatened to leave him one too many times for that. No more booze for Tony Stark, and it’s better this way.

Supposedly.

“Yeah,” he finally answers, shaken out of his thoughts by the call of a blue jay in the tree above them. He looks at her this time, really  _ looks _ , and his brain speeds ahead. Heart pounding, he peers into her face and takes her hand. “Yeah?” he asks, ready for the  _ no _ but hoping,  _ praying _ for the  _ yes _ .

She smiles through her tears as she looks over at him, cupping her other hand around his. “Yeah,” she whispers finally with a nod. 

Tony doesn’t bother containing his shout of excitement, nor the immediate leap into the air and fist pump. “Yeah!” Pepper watches him with a smirk, tears continuing to stream down her face. He stops celebrating and places his palms on her face, thumbs stroking her high cheekbones. “When?” he asks, looking down at her torso in awe.

“It’s early yet, but probably sometime in September.” Above them, the blue jay calls again, then flies off across the lake. A light breeze pulls at Pepper’s bangs, making them dance on their forehead. 

Tony stares into her eyes, his face breaking into an enormous grin. “Aw, Ms. Potts, this...you are brilliant!” he exclaims. He feels like his heart is going to explode out of his chest, it’s swelling with such love for this incredible woman in front of him. “I gotta work in some changes to our plans.” He waves his hand behind him at the half-built house without looking at it, then brings it right back to cup her face. “Do you need anything? Water? Foot massage? Wheatgrass smoothie? Whatever it is, I’ll get it, I’ll get you anything you need--”

“Tony--”

“I mean it, whatever you want. I’ll fly across the world if that’s what it takes, I’ll--”

“Tony--”

He pauses in his rambling, mouth agape. 

“I’m  _ fine _ ,” she insists, placing a finger under his chin to push his mouth shut with a click. “What I need is for you to finish our house. And, yeah, maybe make sure you include a nursery.”

With a curt nod, he leans in to kiss her before stepping away and tapping his wrists together. The nanobots spread like a wave up his arms, assembling the Iron Man suit. Sunlight reflects off the red and gold metal that’s wrapping itself around his body, and he grins again just before they reach his head. In a flash, the helmet covers his face and his foot thrusters engage, shooting him up into the air above the trees. He spins and loops around a few times in joy before flying back over to the house to continue his work. 

They’re finally doing it. Finally _moving_ _on_ , the way he’s wanted all along. Their house would be built in no time and they were starting a family. After things were settled, he’d put the Iron Man bots into cold storage in the cellar and forget about them. No more threats, no more bad guys to protect his family from. Just him, and Pepper, and the baby in the cabin in the woods by the lake. 

So he couldn’t save the universe from Thanos. At least now he’d have a safe place for the three of them. He’d protect it with his life, if he had to.

And that was enough.

It had to be.

* * *

Everything about being a father is exactly what Tony dreamed about. Well, everything except the fact that his little Morgan is a perfect mix of him and Pepper. Sharp witted and snarky, full of genius and curiosity that keeps her constantly in trouble and them both constantly on their toes. If there was ever an argument for genius being a genetic trait, Morgan was a pretty big piece of evidence in favor of it. She walked by the time she was 7 months old, and said her first word two months later. By the time she was a year and a half, she moved and spoke like a preschooler, not a toddler who’d barely even been on the planet. Tony and Pepper don’t venture out much together with her, but whenever they do the people around them stare, mouths agape the moment Morgan speaks. Her chubby face and fat fingers don’t match her vocabulary and comprehension level, and it borders on unsettling for some. 

Tony  _ loves _ it.

He constantly announces to whoever they met that, “This is my daughter, Morgan Stark! We’re thinking MIT might be a good preschool, what do you think?” 

Pepper shakes her head and steers the two of them away from the confused looks of Tony’s audience, reminding her husband that they don’t need to tell  _ everybody _ who they are. “What if someone’s, you know…”

Tony just blinks. “What?”

“Upset?”

“About…? Oh, right, the whole snap thing. Well, Pep, it’s not like  _ I’m _ the one who did it. It’s time to move on, don’t you think?” he trails off, following a wandering Morgan as she creeps after a sparrow. 

With a sigh, Pepper follows, casting an apologetic smile at whoever the pair in front of her cuts off as they zig-zag on the sidewalk. 

“Daddy, the sparrow!”

“I see it, pumpkin. You can’t catch it, not like  _ that _ anyway.”

Morgan stops in her tracks, thinks for a moment, and replies, “Let’s build a trap.”

“Nope, nope, nope…,” Pepper says, rushing forward to scoop up her daughter. “How about we head home and take a walk in the woods?” She gives Tony  _ the look _ , which he purposely ignores by glancing off into the trees.

“I could probably find most of the components for the trap in the park, Mommy.”

“ _ Yeah _ , Mommy,” Tony echoes with a smirk.

“Of course you both could,” Pepper answers. “And what would you want with a trapped sparrow?”

“So I could study it. I want to see how it flies.” The girl crosses her arms matter-of-factly across her chest. She beams at her parents, who look first at each other, then back at her. 

Tony reaches for her, taking her from Pepper’s arms, and hoists her up onto his right shoulder. “I think it’s against city ordinance to set wild bird traps. As a matter of fact, I know it’s illegal to feed them, see?” He points at a  _ Do Not Feed the Birds _ sign. “If we can’t feed them, we definitely cannot catch them.” He smiles at Pepper, then lowers his voice. “At least not  _ here _ , anyway,” he whispers conspiratorially to his toddler. She holds back a giggle, looking furtively over at her mother, and then nods down at Tony in understanding. The topic of conversation changes as quickly as it had begun, following the natural short-lived attention span of the little girl as she explains to her parents that the squirrels  _ must _ have their own language. One that she intends to learn.

The trio continue walking through the park towards the car to head home. Tony thinks, as he does every day since he returned to Earth, about how lucky he is. He finally has his family. Most of him relaxes, at peace with the tenuous grip they have on safety and security. It’s selfish to ask for more, to expect anything other than what he’s got now. He knows how the Greek stories go--hubris is a nasty son-of-a-bitch, and he isn’t walking that line. Not now, not  _ ever _ .

* * *

The crunch of the tires on the gravel driveway leading up to the cabin alerts Tony immediately. No one comes to visit them. No one even knows how to find the place, and it’s far enough removed from the main roads that they don’t even get people who are lost and looking for directions. 

No, this is purposeful. Someone knows he lives here, and they’re coming for  _ him _ . He considers the panic room he built into the back closet of the master bedroom, considers telling Pepper to grab Morgan and run. Without a thought, he knocks his wrists together. Nothing happens, and why should it? He put the bots into cold storage the moment Morgan turned four. It had been five years of peace, of safety and security. Sure, he was working on a special suit for Pepper in the past few years, but that was just an anniversary gift. Not at all related to the gnawing feeling in his chest that something else was coming, and that his fever dream on that spaceship where he intended to die would eventually come true. A world with Pepper and Morgan, safe, but without him.

He’s  _ scared _ . 

Before, he wouldn't have responded this way. Then again, before he didn’t have such important people to protect. Just himself, and when has Tony Stark ever been known to care that much about his own life? No, he has reasons to live, now. He has two  _ very _ important reasons to live, and he intends on doing so for as long as he can.

And this is why he turns down Steve and his entourage of delusional do-gooders. He can’t afford to take a chance like this, not anymore. Not as he holds Morgan in his arms, feels her fingers drag against the skin on the back of his neck as she clutches him tightly. He almost lost all of this before just by trying to stop Thanos on his murderous rampage; there’s no way they can possibly go back and fix what’s been done. 

It’s over, and he wishes for them it could be a new beginning like it has been for him. That snap changed everything. Never in his life has he been so sure that it’s time to move on, time to hang up the suit and just be Tony Stark. He swallows back the swell of regret in his throat and sighs. No time for guilt. It’s not his battle to fight. Not anymore.

It was his battle to lose.

* * *

Why did he decide to do this? Tony kicks himself as he watches everyone he knows and three times as many that he doesn’t throw themselves at Thanos-from-the-past to try to stop him from getting the gauntlet  _ again _ . Bruce successfully reversed the snap, bringing back the 50% that was lost five years ago. It was amazing, watching everyone around him get reunited with whomever they lost. 

The kid came back, too. He replayed the last moment they had together as he held Peter on that faraway, desolate rock Thanos called home, the kid shaking in his arms as he slowly disintegrated. 

_ “I don’t feel so good.” _

Something terrible clenched around his heart as Peter walked towards him, talking nonstop and waving his hands everywhere as he tried to explain what happened to them. Grabbing the young man in a tight hug, he swallowed against the lump in his throat and blinked back the sting in his eyes. Not now, he told himself. It wasn’t time for that. Still a battle to be fought, a battle to be won. 

Now he remembers why he decided to do this. 

It’s for the kid. It’s for Steve, and Clint. It’s for all the Wakandans who lost their King. It’s for everyone,  _ everyone _ .

But it isn’t for him.

No, this battle won’t be won for him. He  _ knows _ how this ends. As the war wages around him, he again sees Morgan hugging Pepper’s leg in his dream. 

_ “Mommy? I miss Daddy,” _ she says.

Pepper smiles down at her, stroking her fingers through the girls long auburn hair.  _ “Me too, sweetie. But you remind me of him, and that makes me smile.” _

They’re fighting, they’re all fighting so hard, and he knows exactly what he has to do to save them all. Sighing, he feels the weight of everything fall off his shoulders, knowing that this is exactly what he needs to do. It’s a relief, giving in to the inevitable. In the past, he’d made the sacrifice play, done the right thing for the greater good, and he hadn’t felt like this. 

He’s finally ready.  _ It’s time. _

It takes barely any time for him to wrap his hand around Thanos, transferring the stones over to his own gauntlet. He looks across the battlefield, the explosions fading away to a deafening silence as he finds Pepper in the rescue suit he built her. She’s fighting as hard as anyone else, exactly as he knew she would. The helmet on her suit pops up and they lock eyes for just a moment. Her face drops in realization, but she doesn’t do anything to stop him. They’re both ready.

“ **I am inevitable** ,” Thanos booms, holding his hand up to snap.

Tony could laugh. He wants to, but he knows no one else would understand. So he waits for Thanos, waits for him to realize his flounder, and raises his own hand. 

“ **_I... am... Iron Man_ ** .”

The pain is excruciating and then his arm goes instantly numb as the raw power from the stones scorches his nerve endings in gamma radiation. He can nearly feel the cells dying individually, popping and shriveling as the reaper does his job. As Thanos fades away, first shocked and then merely disappointed, Tony collapses to the ground.

Within moments, Peter and Pepper are in his rapidly clouding vision.

They’re talking, their voices soothing him as he fades in and out of consciousness. The pain has died away, the power eating through his spinal cord and paralyzing him. Nothing hurts anymore, and he’s grateful for that. All he sees is Pepper’s face, tears streaming through the dirt and grime caked to her cheeks, as she smiles and reassures him.

“You can rest now.”

She’s right. They’re  _ all _ safe.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read! This is a work from my heart. I love Tony dearly and was so devastated when he died. I hope this helps some of you heal as it has me, knowing he did what he needed to do for his family. 
> 
> Please feel free to leave me kudos/comments, or find me on Tumblr @Arcwin1.


End file.
